I am Lance Conrad, author of the Historian Tales series. My currently published books, The Price of Creation, The Price of Nobility, and The Weight of Swords are available through Amazon, Dawn Star Press, and other excellent booksellers. Thank you for reading!

Friday, April 8, 2016

Lance's Adventures in Dating - Part 3

   Anyone who has read the last two posts on this subject has, by now, been able to determine the common link in all these horrific failures: me.
   Clearly, if I could remove myself from the whole dating process, I think the whole thing would go much more smoothly. (All in favor of going back to arranged marriages, say aye!) So it was, thinking that I might be able to at least approach this idea, I agreed to a blind date, doubling with the couple who set me up.
   Granted, this doesn’t entirely remove me from the picture, but it seemed like a good start. Unfortunately, I realized too late that any date is going to include one particular element that is all but guaranteed to get me into trouble…
   That’s right, boys and girls, no matter how you might try to steer things or fill the time with activities and/or chewing, there’s eventually going to come that moment when they ask you a question that can’t be answered with a nod or grunt.
   With any luck, you’ll be able to give an answer that will make some kind of sense (instead of nonsense), an answer that makes you seem like an interesting person (not a raging moron and/or psychopath), and an answer that will make your date look forward to meeting you again (instead of looking wildly toward the door every few seconds).
   Still, even if you can’t manage all of that (heaven knows I did not…), at the extreme least, you should avoid giving lectures on how lasers are made that start with “Light can act like a particle or a wave…”
   This should be incredibly obvious. Everyone knows that you NEVER go full nerd on a girl, preferably ever, but certainly not on the first date.
   Now, if the girl has not fled by the end of that informative little tirade, she is an incredibly patient human being. This is an admirable trait. You should not abuse this trait. You should absolutely not double down at this point. I guess what I’m saying is that, under no circumstances should your very next topic of conversation be…
   Home surgery.
   I mean, I imagine we all have our little stories. That one time you pulled out your little brother’s tooth with a pair of needle-nose pliers; or that other time you took care of that pesky wart on your finger with a red hot nail wrapped in a sock. These are just the usual hi-jinks everyone falls into, I’m certain. I’m not judging, I’m just saying that these things are NOT suitable anecdotes for a first date.
   Now, I would be thrilled, just bloody ecstatic, if I could say this was a one-time occurrence. Of course, I cannot, at least not with a straight face. Worse, there's no way around the problem. You see, the whole point of conversation is to get to know each other better. For someone with my past, present, and future, having a girl get to know me better is a sure deal-killer. Avoid if at all possible.
   So there you have it, folks, some rock solid dating advice, learned the hard way, as usual. In parting, I’d like to share with you some actual quotes from that evening. And if you’re thinking these probably made more sense in context, you’re wrong…
   “But it was getting really frustrating because I couldn’t see what I was doing because of the blood…”
   “Hey guys! Check this out! It really is a murder room, it’s got a drain in the floor and everything!”
   “I’m liking the shotgun. Much more effective.”
   “And now I will take a turn at Dance Dance Revolution.”